Randomness

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Moments defined in a song

Recently I had a friend ask me what songs I would pick to make up defining moments in my life. Good question, there are so many influential songs out there but after giving it some thought I would have to go with the following for specific reasons:

( I know some of the songs might be a little odd but its more the words in the songs that defined moments in my life than the songs themselves)

These Are The Days- 10,000 Maniacs:

This song always reminds me of my 3 best friends over the past 20 years.

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face and when you do then you'll know how it was meant to be see the signs and know their meaning.

Wind Beneath My Wings-Bette Midler:

My mom and I saw Beaches together when it first came out and we both instantly loved this song. The last gift I ever bought my mom were tickets to go to see Bette Midler and she called me while this song was being played. When she passed away we had " She was the wind beneath our wings" written on her grave.

In My Life- The Beatles:

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All this places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

Secret Garden-Bruce Springsteen:

When I heard this song during the movie Jerry Maguire it was the moment I fell in love for the first time.

With Or Without You- U2:

I have loved this song for as long as I can remember and every time I hear it I still get chills.

Just Like Heaven- The Cure:

I can be in the worst mood ever and I hear this song and it puts me in a good mood instantly.

My Wish- Rascal Flatts:

When deShea was pregnant with Celia she didn't know what she was having and did not tell anyone the names that they had picked out. She called me on my way back from lunch and told me that she had had a little girl. Once I hung up the phone with her I turned on the radio and this was the first song that was playing and the words in it were so perfect for Celia. It became my song to her and every time that I hear it I still think of her and even put the words from the chorus in my letter to her for her baby book;

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too.

#41- Dave Matthews Band:

Helped me get over one of the hardest times in my life.

I will go in this way
And I'll find my own way out
I won't tell you to stay
But im coming to much more...Me
all at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in your mind
Oh what if they came in crashing
Used to be that we would play for all that loneliness that nobody
notices now.

Leaving New York- REM:

This was the last song that was played at Navid's memorial service that all of our friends had for him and as long as i live I will never forget the emotion that we all felt at that moment.

You might've laughed if I told you,
You might have hidden your frown.
You might've succeeded in changing me,
I might've been turned around.
It's easier to leave than to be left behind,
Leaving was never my proud,
Leaving New York never easy,
I saw the light fading out.

Every Breath You Take- The Police:

Back in high school, deShea and I were hanging out at my house and she called up one of the radio stations and asked them to dedicate this song to her boyfriend at the time. The DJ asked her how old she was and when she said 16 he told her that he would not play this song for her because of the words" Every breath you take, every move you make, I will be watching you" and then said that it sounded like someone stalking their boyfriend. He hung up the phone and we both started hysterically laughing and this became the song that every time we would hear it we would think of each other. I saw them play in concert at Virgin Festival back in 2007 and remember calling her to have her listen to it over the phone.

The Way We Were- Barbara Streisand:

My grandpa always played this song on the piano when I was little and for my grandparent's 50th anniversary we had a surprise party for them and made a video with pictures to this song. It will always remind me of my grandparent's and how happy they were together.

Juicy- Biggie:

I know this is a strange song to have on here but it was me and my girls song in high school and to this day we all think of each other when we hear it. Just brings back good memories of us all hanging out and being silly and stupid back when we were young.

Goodbye 2010, you really won't be missed much

As 2010 slowly comes to an end I find myself thinking about all that happened during this year, good and bad. I have never been one to make resolutions when it comes to the new year ahead, I think that you should just live everyday as it comes and lets all face it, we never really stick to them anyways, at least I never have when I have made them. This year was filled with changes for me, some which I wish that I could take back and some where I want to go and relive the moments over and over again.

Just a few 2010 highlights;

*Driving down 16th street and Tara calling me to tell me that she was pregnant with Twins

*"Traycee, you're boobs are huge, what are you pregnant?" her looking at me and then us running to CVS to not only find out that she was pregnant but 4 months along.

*Getting to go to my best friends brother's wedding in the dead heat of July in Atlanta

*All the early morning's during the world cup that I woke up at 6am just to get downtown before the rush started at the bars.

*Being able to cross off 4 of my bucket list bands who I had never seen before( who were all totally worth the wait)

*Loosing my wallet in the snow while we rolled around drunk on the ground in the middle of Jan

*The 3 huge snowstorms that we had this year and me getting snowed in at 3 different people's house's.

* Going to see Deadmau5 at 9:30 club 2 times in 3 days

* Learning how to play craps with Jimmy and Marissa in Denver

*Couch bonding weekend with T and I in NY

*Getting to hold Courtney and Cooper for the 1st time

* My Tuesday visits with Trace and Aiden

*The amazing birthday that I had this year and the even better hangover that I woke up with the next morning

* Going to Jay's almost every Friday and sometimes Saturday night and the crazy stories that came out of that place:

*Nick and I feeling Zoe's boobs in the bathroom, one hand on each

*Joe passing out in the middle of the bar and then throwing up in my car

*Shayne and her damn tequila shots

*Neal not even being able to make it past 12 at his own b-day party( although I dont think I made it much further on my b-day from what I remember)

*Parking lot kisses after the bar had closed

*Hal-idays!!

*The way that Jimmy picked me up at the airport in Denver ( classic and I will never forget it)

* The great way that my shot glass collection has suddenly grown this year, thanks to Joey and all the traveling that he did

Watching a certain someone, who will remain nameless not even to be able to make it on her bed and having to curl up on the floor in a ball on her bday while I laid in her bed and laughed

Now don't get me wrong there are many more good times that have happend, those are just a few of the ones that were the most fun and memorable to me this year. Of course along with the good there is always the bad. I am not going into a list of those, mainly because I would like to forget about most of them. In reality, I would like to go back 6 months and erase a big chunk of time but you can't. I feel as though I have learned a lot this year not only about myself but about those people who I surround myself with. Some of them have disappointed me in more ways than one and shown their true colors and some of them have changed for the better more than I could have ever imagined that they would. Many of my friendships have become so much stronger than they ever were and for that I am so grateful. Those are the people who I hold close to me and the ones that I know if I called at 3am they would be there for me no matter what, the ones that listen to my rants and raves about relationships, deal with my infamous drunk texts at all hours of the night, although I have gotten much better about that lately, friends and who are there and were there for me with my family this year. For that I say thank you, you guys don't know how much you mean to me; sap, sap, tear, tear :-p

So, 2011 I am curious as to what you have in store for me besides moving on Jan 3rd. I am sure that whatever it is if nothing it will be an adventure as it always is!

To be or not to be...

Is honesty always the best policy? What if it hurts the other person, or do we even care anymore?Have we become so accustom to hurting another by our words, thoughts and actions that we don't bother to take into account anyone else's feelings but our own? Why is it so hard to do? Why do we allow people to hurt us over and over and think that it is totally acceptable when in reality it is totally unacceptable in every element of the word. Is it so hard just to be honest about things? I am no better than the next at this point, I have been honest and it has gotten me nowhere but on the same token I have been dishonest and it has not done anything good or bad. So, where do we draw the line on what should be said and what should be kept a secret in silence in our own minds. I know the things I want in life and I don't usually have a problem expressing them to people or do I? I am finding as I get older that the things that I thought were "acceptable" in my early/late 20's are not longer things that I am going to allow in my life, ex: The term casual gets thrown out so much in you're early years but when you hit you're 30's is anything really causal anymore? We should and I say should loosely know what we want from our carer, partners and friends, but how many of us actually do? I am not a fan of casual mainly because I lived that way through most of my 20's and small portion of my early 30's. I know what I want and I will not be willing to accept less from someone else. Not just in relationships but friendships as well. I have let go of a lot of people over the past 2 years who I at one point or another had considered to be a big part of my life. Some of those people were let go due to me growing up and getting older, figuring what I want in life and going after it and those people staying the same as they were when I first met them. I have had friendships that had died off and I thought would never be rebuilt come full circle and start over again in a totally new light mainly due to distance, time and maturity. But where is the fine line crossed of what do we really want in life? Are we willing to accept people exactly how they are or are we trying to change them to make them something that we want them to be? I have always been a fan of "either love someone and accept them for who they are flaws and all or don't accept them at all". It's all a juggling act in life and seeing what you can handle and what you are willing to accept or just let go.

We spend so much time looking back at things that have not worked out in the past that sometimes we are missing what is here right now, the moments that can pass us by while we are looking at the door that has been shut in the past. People make choices, they move on and some of those choices we may not agree with but in the end they are not ours to make. There is so much out there to experience that why are we not doing more of it? Questions that I am asking myself everyday.

Year Of Change

I believe that everything happens for a reason as I have stated before and I truly believe that now more so than ever. In the middle of Sept ( the 20th) to be exact I lost a very good friend of mine. We still do not know to this day almost 3 months later how he passed but I believe that he changed my life in so many ways in his short time of being here. Recap: We met back when I was 16 and he was 15 through my ex boyfriend who was friends with him. I ended up having to drive him to school every morning, all I remember about this is that he was this little annoying kid who I had to go pick up and drop off everyday. If I only knew then what I know now. Fast forward 8 years. We had not seen eachother in a few years and my good friend Miranda calls me to tell me that she has met this guy then says his name. Interesting, I knew a guy who had that same name. What do you think the odds are that its the same person? Of course after a phone call to him and one back to me we figure out that it is the same person. Who would of thought that years down the road my friend would randomly met this guy at Clydes and start to date him and it would be the same guy I knew from years back? I can picture it clearly the first time we hung out after not seeing eachother for so long and going to Nation to see Carl Cox and the things that precided that event shall remain nameless but it was a amazing night in many senses for all of us there. Back to my everything happens for a reason statement from above, there was one night where I did not want to go out at all and got forced to go see my friend spin in Adams Morgan where I ended up meeting a friend who came to see him spin. Introduce Jimmy into the picture. Everything gets all complicated on how I met so and so and such and such through Jimmy but I did meet some amazing people through Jimmy all due to that one night that I did not want to go out on.

Little events and moments in your life can change the outcome and course of everything else that follows and can usually be traced back to one single person, event or moment. In the past 4 years I have been introuducted to so many people some who are still around and some who I have let go of, some who I met in a strange course of events on drunken busses and happy hours who have turned out to be people I want to be in my life forever and who have truly made it better for me. Some who came in for a short time and served their purpose and then I let go of and some who's memory's will always be with me. Through all the places, faces and people I have met I can trace almost each and everyone back to my annoying friend who I had to drive to school each morning back in high school =) So to you Navid, thank you for introducing me sometimes directly and other times indirectly to some of the most important people in my life. You were brought back into my life for a reason over 4 years ago yet taken away from all of us to soon but your memory lives on each day. I will never forget all the good times and great hugs I got from you over all the years of our friendship. To the best hugger I know there will never be another person like you. RIP my dear friend, you will be missed and loved by all that knew you and who's lives you touched.

Conquering the British

Last week I was given something from my dad that I always knew existed but had never seen before now. It was a book that my mom had written when she was in her late 20's about her experience being sick with cancer the 1st time when she was just 24 years old titled "Conquering the British".

 We had just finished passover dinner and my dad tells me that he has something for me and returns with a manila envelope, I open it up and know immediately what is inside of it when I see type written pages about 50 of them along with a stack of type written words on yellow legal paper. He then walks away and go into the kitchen and by the time that he comes back in the living room I have tears streaming down my face. I took the pages home with me that night and stared at them for about 30 mins before I decided that I couldn't read it yet even though I wanted to. I told some friends about it and they all wanted to see it and read it when I was done but me getting through that part is going to be the hard part. 

Well I did it tonight, I sat down with no TV, sound or any distractions and got through about half of the book with minimal tears. It is so amazing to be able to have something like this to read, something that she wrote when she was not much younger than I am now. To learn about the experiences that she went through when she was just 24 and the pain, good times and bad that she endured was incredible to see written down on paper. I had always heard her talk about her experiences when she found out she was sick but never in the depth and description that I am now for the first time reading about. I am finding out things that I never knew she went through and in such great depth and detail that I am overcome with emotions both with sorrow and laughter. I realize now through this book how much we we alike in many ways that I never knew. I am so blessed that my mom wrote this since she  is not here to tell me all of these things and answer questions that I want to ask her about her experience. There are so many questions about her past, my past ,my families past that I will never know the answers to and this at least brings some kind of answers to a few of the questions that I have always had. It saddens me deeply that she is not here today for me to go to if I want to know  about something but at least I have this and the journal that she wrote to me when she was pregnant with me to the time I was a year old to reflect on and hopefully that will give me at least some of the answers that I will never be able to ask. This is something that I will be able to pass on to my children some day and tell them this is what your grandma went through and although she is not here with you today and you never met her she can live on and her experiences both good and bad can live on through her writing. 

The "D" button

I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you go to delete a contact from your phone and it asks you "Are you sure you want to delete this contact" you think about it for a min...Do I really want to delete them, I don't know their number so I really can't have contact with them anymore, is this the right thing to do? Then you do it, you push the irreversable little button that says "yes" and suddenly you feel a huge weight off your shoulders. Well at least that is how I felt this morning when I did it. *sigh* after 3 years of friendship, the 1st year and a half were awesome but its just been a slow downhill dimise after that. When I got the 500th call on Sat morning saying " I don't think we should talk anymore" I for the first time had no feeling about it, no remorse, no but why not, nothing at all I just said yep. I know what I can handle and what I can deal with in friendships and this is not one of them anymore.I tried my best and in the end you have to think of what is best for yourself and someone who doesn't know how to be a friend or treat the people they "care about" right is not a person I care to be associated with anymore. Its sad to let something or someone who you once cared about go but I know that I need to do what is best for me.I am tired of being a shoulder to cry on and someone to turn to when you need someone and NEVER getting the same thing in return. The person that I once cared about and used to go out with to shows, bars, movies is not the same person anymore, they are like a dead,cold body laying in the hospital bed just waiting for someone to pull the plug on them. But like I said to them you made your bed now you have to lay in it. 

I do on the other hand believe that everything happens for a reason, no not all the universe crap ( LOL) but that people come into and out of your life for a reason. I have always believed that and I have no regrets about the situation. If I had never met this person I would not have met all the amazing friends I have now, I would have never seen or been introduced to all the bands who now I can't get enough of or had all the drunken stories and memories to last a lifetime! I can't look back and say I wish I had never met this person because as I learned from my previous relationship/friendships you always get something good out of every bad situation and that is my friendships, ones that I will take with me long after this is over. And to those friends thank you over and over again for being there for me always day or night!  We are all old enough to know how we should be treated and how we should treat others and as for me I have enough friends and people in my life who care about me and know how to be a real friend that I don't need to bother or worry about the ones who don't.