Year Of Change

I believe that everything happens for a reason as I have stated before and I truly believe that now more so than ever. In the middle of Sept ( the 20th) to be exact I lost a very good friend of mine. We still do not know to this day almost 3 months later how he passed but I believe that he changed my life in so many ways in his short time of being here. Recap: We met back when I was 16 and he was 15 through my ex boyfriend who was friends with him. I ended up having to drive him to school every morning, all I remember about this is that he was this little annoying kid who I had to go pick up and drop off everyday. If I only knew then what I know now. Fast forward 8 years. We had not seen eachother in a few years and my good friend Miranda calls me to tell me that she has met this guy then says his name. Interesting, I knew a guy who had that same name. What do you think the odds are that its the same person? Of course after a phone call to him and one back to me we figure out that it is the same person. Who would of thought that years down the road my friend would randomly met this guy at Clydes and start to date him and it would be the same guy I knew from years back? I can picture it clearly the first time we hung out after not seeing eachother for so long and going to Nation to see Carl Cox and the things that precided that event shall remain nameless but it was a amazing night in many senses for all of us there. Back to my everything happens for a reason statement from above, there was one night where I did not want to go out at all and got forced to go see my friend spin in Adams Morgan where I ended up meeting a friend who came to see him spin. Introduce Jimmy into the picture. Everything gets all complicated on how I met so and so and such and such through Jimmy but I did meet some amazing people through Jimmy all due to that one night that I did not want to go out on.

Little events and moments in your life can change the outcome and course of everything else that follows and can usually be traced back to one single person, event or moment. In the past 4 years I have been introuducted to so many people some who are still around and some who I have let go of, some who I met in a strange course of events on drunken busses and happy hours who have turned out to be people I want to be in my life forever and who have truly made it better for me. Some who came in for a short time and served their purpose and then I let go of and some who's memory's will always be with me. Through all the places, faces and people I have met I can trace almost each and everyone back to my annoying friend who I had to drive to school each morning back in high school =) So to you Navid, thank you for introducing me sometimes directly and other times indirectly to some of the most important people in my life. You were brought back into my life for a reason over 4 years ago yet taken away from all of us to soon but your memory lives on each day. I will never forget all the good times and great hugs I got from you over all the years of our friendship. To the best hugger I know there will never be another person like you. RIP my dear friend, you will be missed and loved by all that knew you and who's lives you touched.

Conquering the British

Last week I was given something from my dad that I always knew existed but had never seen before now. It was a book that my mom had written when she was in her late 20's about her experience being sick with cancer the 1st time when she was just 24 years old titled "Conquering the British".

 We had just finished passover dinner and my dad tells me that he has something for me and returns with a manila envelope, I open it up and know immediately what is inside of it when I see type written pages about 50 of them along with a stack of type written words on yellow legal paper. He then walks away and go into the kitchen and by the time that he comes back in the living room I have tears streaming down my face. I took the pages home with me that night and stared at them for about 30 mins before I decided that I couldn't read it yet even though I wanted to. I told some friends about it and they all wanted to see it and read it when I was done but me getting through that part is going to be the hard part. 

Well I did it tonight, I sat down with no TV, sound or any distractions and got through about half of the book with minimal tears. It is so amazing to be able to have something like this to read, something that she wrote when she was not much younger than I am now. To learn about the experiences that she went through when she was just 24 and the pain, good times and bad that she endured was incredible to see written down on paper. I had always heard her talk about her experiences when she found out she was sick but never in the depth and description that I am now for the first time reading about. I am finding out things that I never knew she went through and in such great depth and detail that I am overcome with emotions both with sorrow and laughter. I realize now through this book how much we we alike in many ways that I never knew. I am so blessed that my mom wrote this since she  is not here to tell me all of these things and answer questions that I want to ask her about her experience. There are so many questions about her past, my past ,my families past that I will never know the answers to and this at least brings some kind of answers to a few of the questions that I have always had. It saddens me deeply that she is not here today for me to go to if I want to know  about something but at least I have this and the journal that she wrote to me when she was pregnant with me to the time I was a year old to reflect on and hopefully that will give me at least some of the answers that I will never be able to ask. This is something that I will be able to pass on to my children some day and tell them this is what your grandma went through and although she is not here with you today and you never met her she can live on and her experiences both good and bad can live on through her writing. 

The "D" button

I think one of the best feelings in the world is when you go to delete a contact from your phone and it asks you "Are you sure you want to delete this contact" you think about it for a min...Do I really want to delete them, I don't know their number so I really can't have contact with them anymore, is this the right thing to do? Then you do it, you push the irreversable little button that says "yes" and suddenly you feel a huge weight off your shoulders. Well at least that is how I felt this morning when I did it. *sigh* after 3 years of friendship, the 1st year and a half were awesome but its just been a slow downhill dimise after that. When I got the 500th call on Sat morning saying " I don't think we should talk anymore" I for the first time had no feeling about it, no remorse, no but why not, nothing at all I just said yep. I know what I can handle and what I can deal with in friendships and this is not one of them anymore.I tried my best and in the end you have to think of what is best for yourself and someone who doesn't know how to be a friend or treat the people they "care about" right is not a person I care to be associated with anymore. Its sad to let something or someone who you once cared about go but I know that I need to do what is best for me.I am tired of being a shoulder to cry on and someone to turn to when you need someone and NEVER getting the same thing in return. The person that I once cared about and used to go out with to shows, bars, movies is not the same person anymore, they are like a dead,cold body laying in the hospital bed just waiting for someone to pull the plug on them. But like I said to them you made your bed now you have to lay in it. 

I do on the other hand believe that everything happens for a reason, no not all the universe crap ( LOL) but that people come into and out of your life for a reason. I have always believed that and I have no regrets about the situation. If I had never met this person I would not have met all the amazing friends I have now, I would have never seen or been introduced to all the bands who now I can't get enough of or had all the drunken stories and memories to last a lifetime! I can't look back and say I wish I had never met this person because as I learned from my previous relationship/friendships you always get something good out of every bad situation and that is my friendships, ones that I will take with me long after this is over. And to those friends thank you over and over again for being there for me always day or night!  We are all old enough to know how we should be treated and how we should treat others and as for me I have enough friends and people in my life who care about me and know how to be a real friend that I don't need to bother or worry about the ones who don't. 

When did I grow up?

When did the time start to go so quickly? When did I grow up and become an adult and have responsibilities that I only once thought of. I have noticed that since I turned 25 the years just kept going faster and faster and yet I didn't slow down.My 20's were such an insane time for me both good and bad.  I bought my 1st place, lost my mom, broke up with a boyfriend who I had had for years, traveled to places I had never been, almost died from a blood clot in my brain, owned a car I really couldn't afford and had several experiences that some I would never like to try again but at the time were just perfect for me. All of this went by in the blink of an eye and now all I have now are the memories.  I was always told as a child that this would happen when I reached my mid 20's but they never told me how fast it would go when I reached my 30's. This was only brought up to me yesterday by a friend when she text and said "your birthday is creeping up on us again, what are you planning"? Planning, I had not even thought of anything yet. It can't be coming up I just turned 30 I am not ready to actually be in my 30's yet. That is such a big number to me, yet as I am seeing a realistic  one at best. There is no turning back the hands of time or the perpetual clock that in 7 weeks from now will make me *gasp* 31 years old. I believe that age is only a number and that it is how you act that defines you although looking young doesn't hurt either so at least that is on my side. 

I sometimes say the words that everyone says " I thought I would be somewhere totally different when I was this age". I do believe that in some ways, I thought I would be married with 2 kids by now and yet I am single with no kids. It took me a while to accept that part of my life but with time I realized that it was the there is no rush and no time frame saying that you have to do something by a certain age, it all comes to you when it's supposed to. I love the life I have now and wouldn't change it for anything. I have a great apartment, wonderful family and the best friends anyone could ask for. I think I am ready for most anything life has to bring me so bring it on 31, just wait another 7 weeks to do it and let me enjoy being just 30 a little longer!